Right now I am sitting beside my mama’s hospital bed. It’s already 1:11 in the morning. She’s been here seven nights and eight days today. It has been a long and exhausting days. Looking at her right now, I can see how her health has improved comparing to the first few days. For those long days and nights I wasn’t able to talk to her doctors because their schedule of visiting isn’t predictable..
Everyday and every night visitors come and go, relatives from my mama and daddy’s side. And though hospitals aren’t so comfortable to mingle with people, this place has served as a lounge for me, my family and relatives who visited. It had been a great opportunity to catch up with most of them. Amazing how a sick person be a way for us to get closer to each other..
Looking back to the day when she was first paralyzed, I was really scared since that day.. There was never a time that when I remember my mom’s health condition that I feel this fear of losing her and how will I be able to stand after that,.. And now, I am just really amazed at how God has been preparing my heart, my mind, my emotions, my Faith, my trust, everything that if I will list them it will take ages to get to the end of the list..
My mama was very strong, and is a fighter and I didn’t realize that. I was busy of self-pitying. Busy thinking of how will I be able to live without her. Will I go back to depression if she gets stroke again? What will happen to my future? What will happen to my family? How will I get over this when I’m not yet over with depression? I’m not yet over with many mistakes I made in the ministry I am with? I was buried with fear and so many unanswered questions.
And here comes the moment I have feared. Sunday night, when someone called telling me they rushed my mama to the hospital. (She was brought a week before that because of a fall). I went and for long hours we have been waiting in the emergency room until the doctor said we can bring her home. Afternoon of the next day, my father and my sister brought her to the doctor for a check – up (different hospital) and they immediately refer her for admission apparently of second stroke!. She was in the ICU already when I went there. She stayed there for one night and one day then they transferred her to the ward.
I was expecting what my reactions would be when this moment come. I was expecting myself to be crying all the time just by seeing my mama suffering. Get angry to others. Blame people. Bury myself to depression.
But the shocking thing is what I felt that moment was the very opposite of all these things. I felt this calmness. My heart is filled with peace. It is very serene. I never felt like this in my entire life. My heart was filled with this thing that I felt so strong in my trust and faith in God alone.
I am a church intern for almost two years now. And for those years I have been trying to work and strive hard thinking I could earn God’s love.. But it’s not His love that I have been seeking for all those time. I have been working hard to earn title for myself, to get myself a position..
In these times of challenges, times when I thought I couldn’t be able to stand up anymore. Times when I thought I couldn’t climb up all the piles of mistakes and trials on me, he made me realized that His love is so deep and could never be earned. He just love me without conditions..
He made me realize that He is with me all the time. That He was trying to run so He could catch up with me.
This time, where I had my most fearful moment, He made me stop and just love Him back. Just feel His love. He made me go back to the first time I fell in love with Him.
This encounter with my Father God was very powerful that made me just to trust my mama unto His palm.
To believe in the impossible and that no matter what happens to my mama, I knew God is greater. He is holding me and my mama with such loving arms. I believe in His promises.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Romans 8:37-39
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
My mama loves Jesus.. Now it’s 2:33 in the morning. And my mama is peacefully asleep..
